Here and Now
03 октября 2005

"I am waiting for some change:"

I guess, we are all waiting for some change, for something or somebody that will come and make us feel we live a full life, and not simply wasting our time. But this feeling of desire for real taste of life is double-faced. On the one hand, we are craving for thrill, bright emotion, unusual experience and spicy sensations, on the other, we seem to be wrapped up in a kind of a shell that stands between us and real life. We need some thrill, but for the reason of fear or laziness or some other stupid feeling we scare sly ever let it into our lives.

There is hardly a person who has never been suggested doing something unusual like quitting all his ordinary stuff and set off for a road the end of which is not yet clear, but promising. As well as hardly there is a person who would agree on an adventure without brooding over the fact that he could actually lose his comfort. Most of us are trembling over our cosy nests and convenient way of life. This routine carefully scheduled for every day is as dear to us as peace in our souls.

Though almost every of us can passionately speak about his ardent desire to start a new life, few of us are really ready for the Unknown. It scares, while dreaming of it is much safer. It does not require as much spiritual and physical strength as real adventure does. The Unknown in our dreams is manageable. We never let a change come too far. There is no risk of the life getting over us and breaking us down. We can perfectly control the situation, and the only problem we face is the matter of our sanity (to be adequate enough to differentiate between the outside world and the world of our dreams). In fact, the closer these two worlds stand, the better for us.

Many of us still lead double life. One is in the outer world where we are benevolent parents, obedient children, diligent students, efficient employees and so on. The other is inside ourselves, in the world of our dreams where we are pop singers, famous actors, presidents, chief-generals, lady-killers and what not.

Try and ask anyone about his whishes and you are likely to get an answer, ask the same person what he\she is doing for it and you will probably embarrass him\her.

The problem is in the fact that in order to get something you should give something in return: your time, strength, energy, sometimes even your life. But what is life given for the sake of the dream compared to that of simply wasted? Perhaps we are afraid that we will give more than receive back. Still I think, that better is to regret something that you have done than the fact that you have never even tried to do it. Of course, in any activity there is always a risk that something will go wrong, but is it an excuse for inaction?

We often justify our inertness by our common sense or cautiousness or something of the kind. But try and think where your common sense will be when you turn, say, forty and what you have become will not in the least resemble what you have been dreaming of. Much bitter it will be if your only problem was that you had been preparing for taking steps too long, always waiting for some solid opportunity that would promise you a 100% result missing smaller chances given you for the moment.

Have you ever thought how important one moment can be? Sometimes it is more powerful than you, it suppresses your common sense so that you cannot resist and change your whole live so rapidly that you have no time to prevent it. But more often you need to look around to notice such moments and not to let them go past. It is a real skill to live Here and Now. Psychologists say that only children can actually do it. As for grown-ups, they live either by their past or by their future often idealizing the former and dreaming of the latter. The question is where the present stands? Somewhere in-between serving as a ground for making new plans and regretting over the plans that have already failed.

Perhaps, that is an exaggeration. Perhaps, I am wrong saying that many of us do not live for the present, but for the future or for the past. But why then there are so many of us who are not satisfied with the life they are leading, constantly preparing for something really important until it is too late (though it is never late). Perhaps, it is simply reminding to myself not to miss Here and Now, not to wait each time for a second chance as it occurs more rarely even than the first one. Then is a bad word. Tomorrow and you will never meet. Do I ASSUME? Probably, but does it matter for the moment?

Helen Z.